Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
