pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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