Already got asked if we're dating
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
