I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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