Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i love accidental penises.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
