Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
