I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
