do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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