Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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