Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
