Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
