To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
