At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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