those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
