Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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