did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
