I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
