One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
