I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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