I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
