and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
