Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
