why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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