I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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