normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
