FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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