Someone shit on the floor
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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