Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
