Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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