Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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