Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
