Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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