I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
