She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Two words: nipple clamps
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