Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
