its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
