I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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