I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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