I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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