Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
