just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
