bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
