just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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