You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
