I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
