nut hugger
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize