im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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