Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
