is your mom at the bar?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
