Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize