Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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