Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
did you just send me my own nude
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize