Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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