He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
