apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
