Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
