I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
