Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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