life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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